1. Chapter 9

Disrupting current constitutional autocracy[^1] for creating a better India/world.

I conclude the narration of my life story with a confession of my weaknesses that led me to a stage where at 54 I find my life is coming apart, my health is failing and I am nowhere close to achieving what I wanted in my life. Do I dare to compare my failures at the micro level to the way democracies are unravelling all over the world from the onslaught of modernity at the macro level? After elaborating on my weaknesses which I hope to fix in the rest of my life I present for the reader’s consideration suggestions for creating a better India/ world!

I cannot lay all the blame for my failures on my poor mother who never overcame her childhood and ancestral trauma and on the ritualistic aspect of Indian family and social life – there were weaknesses in my personality that caused me to make a lifetime of poor choices. Women who have undergone child sexual abuse sometimes compensate for it by wanting attention from men and entering into dysfunctional relationship with men. If I had lived a life where my mother and traditionalists in Indian society can point fingers at me for being promiscuous, I may have received more love or at least attention and not lived an isolated life starved from human interaction. I did not react to child sexual abuse in this manner rather I took refuge in nature, craving adventure and connection and finally a study of Indian philosophy/ spirituality as a means to delve within for the adventure outside that is denied to me as an Indian woman.

My list is not a list of weaknesses considered as weaknesses in Indian society. From what I observe in society around me – not wanting to wear a saree is a big social crime as is my willingness to take total responsibility for my life! Knowing I will disappoint people like my mother who want me to list out weaknesses that they can judge and blame me for, I list the following weaknesses that are painful for me to acknowledge as these weaknesses lead to my current sterile life. I am a very dependent person; I am always looking for love and support from others. I lack self love. I cannot judge when a relationship is one-sided and it is time to take care of myself. I nurtured emotionally unavailable relationships for decades. I craved approval and love from others to an extent that was not healthy. Instead to connect to the reality that I come from a dysfunctional family I lived in denial and spent a lifetime trying to imitate the life of others who came from functional families. I thought I was super smart but instead to take responsibility and build a life I desired – all I did was live a life of instant gratification imitating the lifestyle of others. I was too good; I was too obedient. I did not leaven my goodness with a healthy understanding of reality that would have caused the bread of my life to rise and be light, tasty and enjoyable. I do not affirm myself. I am addicted to trauma. One of my very real fears of today is that I may not know how to live a life without conflict and trauma. Everyone thinks of me as courageous and intelligent but I am full of fear. I am waking up to these fears and making those soul corrections now in the hope I can salvage whatever is possible of my life.

These weaknesses sound harmless but they caused me to become a victim of domestic violence from my own parents and siblings for most of my life. Instead to wait for justice from the Indian judiciary I am now taking responsibility for my life hopefully bringing to an end my life in my biological family and launching myself into my universal life. I did spend most of my life loving the Indian nation/ humanity with the love I could not give or receive in my family. Therefore, I conclude this book about my life presenting some solutions to national and deep-rooted problems we face in India based on my explorations of Indian/ Tamil philosophy and experiences of living in modern India which may be relevant to all nations and humans too.

• I have been pondering that “citizen driven” is a concept that may be the key to solve many ills of modern-day life in our modern democracies. The concept of four arms of a democratic government – legislature, executive, judiciary, and media separated from each other originated in the west. It is not serving its purpose to create a democratic society in even in a developed democracy like the USA. Although India had a monarchical system of government before the British colonised us, our ancestors lived very free and liberal lives within these monarchies. I find that democracy at the grassroots level has always existed in India. I wonder if we can come up with a disruption/ innovation of the conception of democracy from the west by conceiving a more dynamic everyday role for citizens in modern democracies that could be India’s contribution to the world. The foundational principle of such a disruption/ innovation can only be the concept of 'அறம்’ explained below which needs to inform the everyday life of citizens who will also keep a watch that 'அறம்’ informs every action of government institutions and people working in these institutions.

| 'அறம்’ is a central concept of Indian civilisational thought. While I have provided a translation of the meaning of அறம் available online below, to my understanding அறம் is to be lived and enjoyed and has many subtle benefits that cannot be explained with words. Online explanation of அறம் அறம் is a Tamil word that refers to virtue, honesty, righteousness, and justice. It refers to virtues expressed through action, the intention to do good, and the order between people. அறம் is a list of behaviours accepted by a society. It is defined by society, philosophy, religion, and the conscience of the individual. அறம் is a quality that includes moral, social, or intellectual characteristics. Translated using Google Translate from https://www.pothunalam.com/அர்த்தம்/aram-meaning-in-tamil/ | | :---- |

• The Thirukkural contains a chapter on “renunciation” where Thiruvalluvar discusses righteousness and virtue and all aspects concerned with 'அறம். Throughout the ages the Indian civilisation has always revered brahmacharya/ renunciate as a neutral person without social attachments who is qualified to explain அறம் to society as per the current existing state of society. According to Thiru Illangai Jayaraj in his wonderful talks on the Thirukkural called Uyar Valluvam Tamil civilisation considers the life of a renunciate as superior to that of a family man. In Plato’s Republic the ruling class, including philosopher-kings and queens, are prohibited from private marriage to prevent personal interests from interfering with their duty to the state.  Considering the all pervasive existence of corruption in India[^2] and because tyaga or sacrifice is a core value of the Indian civilisation adopted during the creation of modern India as seen in the presence of the saffron colour signifying sacrifice in the Indian flag, radical solutions such as making it mandatory for Indians
  aspiring to government service/ occupying any position of power to stay unmarried and renounce their right to own private property seem called for. The philosopher kings of Plato’s Republic were not allowed to engage in sexual conduct outside of state regulated, temporary unions. Only when well past their ruling years are older guardians granted one-to-one companionship, referred to as "M2" marriages. Such radical social innovations that are a blend of ancient wisdom and modern practicality in our governing system are urgently called for in India.

• The issue addressed in this book — changes that are sweeping Indian family life need deeper and wider understanding of how we want to modernise India while still rooted in the wisdom of our ancestors. I suggest that the media should start reporting events in families and between individuals that impact public good in the same manner that abuse of power in public institutions are reported. Domestic violence should not be brushed aside as a personal or family issue but as an issue that has a cascading multiplier effect on social good. Currently the laws are framed to allow only for trial of human rights violations by the state against individuals. The kind of abuses that are happening worldwide call for a rethinking of this situation and for the debilitating effect of domestic violence on victims and the cascading multiplier effect on society to be taken seriously and addressed as a urgent matter.

• It is not just with the safety and status of women that India is among the last in the list of world nations – we are also supposed to be the third most toxic work cultures in the world[^3]. When family and work are all being set up as toxic where does the Indian citizen find respite? A citizen-driven alternative to the existing system of police stations, women’s commission, human rights organisations, NGOs, and courts need to come up. My problems went on for more than a decade, and the inquiry was always conducted by the local police station. The police do not acknowledge the jurisdiction of even the social welfare department (I was told that the police are obliged to follow orders only from their department and they place no value on communication from other departments). The people working in NGOs and Human Rights organisations are overwhelmed by the toxicity of the abuse they witness every day. Science finds that the nervous system of a domestic abuse victim is affected by long term abuse, and trauma manifests as physical disease. The small minority of social workers struggling to cope with the humungous scale of insidious domestic violence in Indian society are bearing more than their fair share of trauma. If we wish to create a healthy society for our future generations, this situation needs to change. The increasing occurrences of insidious domestic violence, as well as horrific violence against vulnerable people in our society, necessitates that we establish a national conversation and a national system to deal with toxic behaviour in all spheres of Indian society.

• In our modern India, all the arms of government have failed to earn the trust of the people. The British have a British Citizenship Test that embodies values and behaviour peculiar to the British. These tests are only applied to immigrants seeking British citizenship. We seem to need to generate a similar criterion for a test of Indianness. This test needs to be administered periodically to everyone in India - perhaps self administered for common citizens but mandatory for all public servants in all arms of the government including vetting of background to assess trustworthiness and reliability, lie detector tests, periodic reviews of behaviour and performance from the general public to qualify government officials to continue in their jobs should be designed to address corruption. The test for Indianness should be based on values of love, kindness, generosity, and compassion and embody 'அறம் as the core value of the Indian nation.

• A course on conscious parenting could be administered to every Indian wanting to be a parent to ensure that they will raise their children to be good human beings and citizens of India, worthy descendents of our wise ancestors.

• Even 78 years after independence, Indian police and courts are still struggling to protect young Indians who wish to marry as per their wishes or stay unmarried—a fundamental right given to all Indians by the Indian constitution. We need to generate a social system/ perhaps even laws so Indian parents do not force marriage on unwilling children.

• After horrendous experiences being stuck inside a queue for hours at the Melmarvathoor temple, Madurai Meenakshi temple, the Thiruvannamalai temple, the Guruvayoor temple, with the experience of having to deal with a group of groping drunkards at the Palani temple I have resolved to go to nature when I want to connect to the Creator rather than spend hours queuing at temples, despite the fact that I understand the science behind the construction of Hindu temples and I love visiting temples. The cleanliness and behaviour of the public in our temples created by our ancestors with much reverence and scientific knowledge needs to be regulated if we are to benefit from the subtle sciences used in the construction of our temples. உழவாரப் பணி \= the service of cleaning of temples is suggested by Thirunavukkarasar (a saivaite saint of the 7th century) as the best of all forms of worship. I suggest that all temples in India should be closed for unregulated entry and only persons willing to do உழவாரப் பணி and clean temples should be allowed entry into temples until such time that cleanliness of our temples and our country becomes as natural to us as the cleanliness of our homes.

• It is just common sense understanding that when bad behaviours do not come with consequences or delayed consequences society becomes a hotbed to nurture antisocial behaviour. The Indian judiciary in its 76 years of existence has created a backlog of 300 years of court cases. I suggest that it should be made the rule that every litigant will represent himself/ herself before the judges in our courts, and advocates’ roles should be confined to only preparing their clients with legal inputs to present their own cases. Shady dealings within the judiciary and delays due to unavailability of advocates would be addressed with this method.

• 82-86% percent of the Indian population is employed in the unorganised sector. Many countries have a legal minimum wage every employer has to pay. In India we do not have such a legal minimum wage. What I have found more necessary in India is a legal date by which an employer is obliged to pay salaries and bonuses. I have seen many aged watchmen not able to feed themselves at the end of the month, as employers do not pay salaries on time. A much-needed revolution in India is respect for work, and that respect needs to translate into timely payment of salaries.

• A total revamp and training of the policing system in India in keeping with 'அறம் is called for to bring back harmony and balance in family and public life. We need to train our police to give legal, graceful, compassionate solutions to the public’s problems. Having observed the casual way in which police in India dispose of family problems that reach the police station for over a decade, where the policemen themselves do not seem to know the law or take the law seriously I suggest that as a civilisation which had families that practised 'அறம் at the centre of society, we should think of having policemen and women who volunteer to work with family issues at the police station and deliver the best and most graceful solutions for family problems.

• In my decades long visits to the police stations I have observed that the Tamil Nadu police is mostly busy with VIP duties and bandobast duties of public events and the very real individual problems of the public become casualty here. Why can we not think of having two streams of police system – one where people who wish to be close to VIP and wealthy people and another volunteer service where the police personnel who want to serve the common man can sincerely serve them without falling under the influence of the corruption and influence of the VIP culture?

• Although I was expected to behave differently for being educated neither the police stations nor the courts I visited were willing to allow me to refer to laws of the land from the Indian constitution that should govern the behaviour of the law and order machinery of India. The behaviour of people working in police station and courts is highly personal and has no grounding in Indian law. This is another cause for the corruption in these institutions. Regular refresher courses for people employed in institutions involved in establishing law and order in Indian society is to be called for – in my experience they currently they do not have even a working knowledge of the law and apply lndian law selectively and partially as per their convenience.

• Even after 79 years of Indian Independence the awareness of Indian laws among the Indian public is not up to mark. A re-haul of the civics curriculum in education to give Indian public a working knowledge of the Indian constitution is urgently required. In addition such an awareness and respect for the Indian constitution needs to be created amongst the adult population currently not in education.

• I have not touched on the topic of the most divisive social structure of India, caste discrimination, which Swami Vivekananda saw as a major impediment to India’s progress leading to social inequality, exploitation, and dehumanisation of lower castes. Swami Vivekananda wanted us to “level up” the caste problem and not level down or abolish by force. My city has been on a smart city drive for a few years now, constructing roads and benches in shopping areas which are just cosmetic changes that do nothing for the population on a deep level. Instead of becoming smart cities, we could have conscious cities and villages, or localities within cities where families willing to renounce and forget their caste can be resettled with government support. We need to create something similar to the concept of NOTA—the None Of The Above category created in Indian elections to give Indian families the option to renounce all caste distinctions by belonging to a NOTA caste category or simply “Indian” or “Human” category instead of caste classifications and live together with others who also do not follow caste divisions. Currently people who do not follow caste restrictions living amongst the majority who do follow caste restrictions find themselves powerless to espouse their way of life, which is actually the legal way of life, caste discrimination being banned by law.

• In my explorations in the village I find that villagers consider the simple houses and lifestyle of our ancestors as shameful. Our ancestors’ life was characterised by simple living and high thinking. The commercialisation of the institution of marriage that in ancient times was set up for the service of society has now ended up as a system where men are being exploited. Perhaps we can have movies and TV serials that address the real problems of the country instead to deliver toxicity and commercialisation of relationships as normal everyday fare to families.

• Stray dogs have become a huge problem in Indian cities and villages. I find it interesting that dogs embody the values that have disappeared in Indian family and social life – unconditional love, loyalty and living in the present. The beliefs and myths around dogs in Indian society over the years are quite diverse. On the one hand dogs are worshipedl as Bhairava specifically Kala Bhairava. On the other hand they are believed to cause too much attachment and supposed to be antithetical to spiritual progress. I have heard that in the south of Tamilnadu it is believed that dogs/ pets take away family karma and sometimes even exchange their lives for ours so most homes in south Tamil Nadu raise dogs for the wellbeing of the family. In this sudden love affair of Indian families for a modern, fast life people want to enjoy freedom without responsibility. But such a lifestyle comes at a cost. Children who are growing up in families that have become economical/ commercial arrangements are not able to express love toward elderly parents and old age homes abound today in a country renowned for its joint family system. Children need to grow up with the experienced love and responsibility in action in daily life. One solution to the stray dog in public places problem could be a movement to have Indian families adopt and raise dogs – a movement towards slow and responsible living in a loving atmosphere where taking responsibility for the well being of a dog is part of the loving atmosphere of families. A movement to have families raise more pets such as tax breaks for families having pets may be called for in the interest of both the human society and the animal life in the country. Inclusion of native dogs in the family ration card and rations for pets by the government can also be thought of. Feeding dogs seems to have been part of communal/ family life in India as profiled in many media stories (https://scroll.in/article/1088676/for-indias-street-dog-debate-lessons-from-a-mother-in-rural-rajasthan) and needs to be brought back as a way of life.

• The impact of pension politics in families needs to be studied. Many elders being exploited for their pensions or controlling the next generation based on their pension. In the movement of India towards being a developed state we should look into social security for elders and the vulnerable in a manner that it enhances family life and does not disrupt the flow of love within Indian families.

[^1]: Dr B. R Ambedkar, venerated as the father of the Indian constitution, found that Parliamentary Democracy does not exist in India; India is in reality a government of hereditary subject class who are ruled by a hereditary ruling class.

[^2]: When my 80 year old mother with a broken leg went to get the death certificate after my father’s death she was made to visit the government office repeatedly and stand in front of the officer concerned on crutches for over three months. Grieving death, old age, ill health has all become sources to earn income for corrupt officials in today’s India. There is no aspect of life and even death, untouched by corruption.

[^3]: A 2024 Monster India study found that 68% of Indian professionals reported experiencing toxic behaviour at work, with many pointing to their supervisors as the source.